The Stand In
by storytellerninja
Summary: When the mysterious new student is fired for wanting to be half vampire, another must stand in for her. Unfortunately, not every detail was given to him and he's in for a lot more than he bargained for in the land of Hogwarts.
1. The Stand In

Max scratched his head.

He looked around, a bit doubtfully. He had a slip of paper in his hand describing three people he should keep an eye out for. But there so many people milling around….how could he expect to find three?

A tall, gangly red-haired boy. Freckles. Would most likely be followed by a gang of brothers and a sister.

Small, long-haired girl. Lots of books. Parents are muggles. Will probably be showing a Prefect badge around.

Wow. A Prefect badge…that'd be handy if he knew what those looked like.

And last but not least, Harry Potter. Everyone knew Harry Potter. Black-hair, green eyes, scar. Hair from his father, eyes from his mother, and scar from a psychotic hippy freak-out.

Well, it couldn't be anything else. Sticks, lights, getting beaten by a baby. Drugs. Or something.

Of course, Max knew that wasn't true. He knew the story of The Boy just like everyone did but it was an entertaining thought.

He looked around the train platform again, but saw only people who didn't resemble those on his list.

He never did meet up with them and he worried on his lip a minute before the train was to depart.

_Well. I'm bound to find them on the train at least…_

The place was crowded and hot, from little first years looking quite anxious to towering seventh years looking bored and chatting with friends.

There were, for some reason, little knots of girls everywhere. They were all whispering and giggling together.

"Ah…'scuse me…." From what he remembered from the prompts and writings of the female lead, he was suppose to act superior and shove these girls out of the way. But that seemed kinda shitty, unless they were shitty, of course.

The girls all looked at him though and packed against the aisles.

He awkwardly shuffled along to an empty compartment. Or, rather, he thought it was empty. There was a girl in there with dirty-blond hair reading some kind of magazine. She had very strange glasses on.

She looked up.

"Ah…sorry. Just," he looked back and forth a bit, "…was trying to find a place to sit…do you mind if I sit in here?"

The girl nodded. "Are you here to see Harry too? He's already gone."

He looked up. "Harry? Harry Potter?"

She nodded.

"Well…," he looked at the short list, "apparently."

She pulled up her glasses in her hair. "He just left. Neville went too."

"I don't suppose Neville has red hair?"

The girl shook her head. "Are you looking for someone?"

"Yeah…three someones."

"We all are sometimes."

He paused and then went on, "I don't suppose you know anyone by these descriptions?" He held the paper out

"That's Ron Weasley," she said, matter of factly. "And that's Hermoine Granger. She's a bit off. And Harry Potter."

"Well, it says Harry Potter."

"Yes, makes him a little easier to pick out from the other two."

"I suppose so." He paused. "Are you friends with them?"

The girl nodded, a strange sort of smile on her face. "I met them last year."

He noted that she didn't exactly answer his question. Maybe she just wasn't sure. "Who are you?"

"Luna Lovegood. Who are you?"

Inwardly, he paused again. _Luna Lovegood…that's the girl…_ He didn't say anything of it though. "Max."

"What about your last name?"

"Probably very generic. I'm something of a stand-in."

"That sounds interesting. What does that mean?"

"Y'see, usually in a fanfiction, girls are sent as the 'mysterious new student' or long lost sibling or something."

"Are you a long lost sibling? I'd like to have one."

"I don't know. I'm probably a distant relative of one of the canon characters."

Luna nodded knowingly. "So are we in a fanfiction?"

"Have you ever considered that our whole lives might just be the twisted thoughts of some two-bit writer?"

"Yes."

"Than maybe."

"That would be interesting. I don't suppose we'd know about it though, would we?"

Max shook his head. "I doubt it. Plot points and all."

Luna nodded, smiling, and then pulled her wand out from her ear and said, "Have you ever seen a Crumple-Horned Snorckack?"

He shook his head and she offered out her magazine.

It wasn't until they'd nearly reached Hogwarts that Luna suddenly paused and asked, "What's fanfiction?"

He felt awkward. People were looking at him. Instead of just doing the logical thing and being taken aside—or maybe asked for some validation as to why he was even there…he had to approach the table where all the professors and the headmaster sat. He had his little blue book out when he approached. It had been intended for the female lead but when she declared she wanted to be part vampire as well she got fired.

But, as they say, the show must go on.

So he looked at the book, which had the important professors labeled. He wished that Luna girl were still around but she had disappeared when they entered the hall.

So it was a silent hall, despite a few sniggers here and there over what the hell this guy was doing.

Max coughed and cleared his throat a little.

Dumbledore looked at him, a little puzzled. "Yes, young man."

"Ah…Oh. Right." He coughed again. "It says here—er, I'm new…I…I was taught at home by my mom—" (now, technically, he was supposed to be a transfer student from America but that didn't make any sense so he figured he should probably just tell the truth)—"and I'm not sure what to do."

Dumbledore was piercing him with those blue eyes of his. He said, "Well. I suppose we'll have you sorted then after the first years are finished."

Max nodded, shifting awkwardly. "Ah. Okay. So…uh…where should I go?"

Dumbledore smiled, not unkindly, "Just have a seat at the end of the Gryffindor table for now."

"Right…thank you…sir." Max turned away. He could hear a few sniggers again from the far side. He glanced over. Yellow. Hufflepuffs. "Hm." He'd heard they were pretty nice. Maybe they were laughing at something else.

He sighed. _Yeah right, I'm a crappy stand-in_.

No one said anything to him when he sat down, he did see Luna over at the next table though. She smiled and waved. Somewhere, she'd acquired a large purple headdress that her fellow Ravenclaws were giving funny looks, except for one boy who was smiling ruefully. Max waved back to her.

The action made a few heads turn at the Gryffindor table to see what the new guy was doing and a boy said to him, "You know Luna?"

Max thought quickly, but this boy didn't fit any of the descriptions in the little blue book. He nodded. "I met her on the train. I was looking for someone. Actually…," and here he dug out his list again, "….three someones."

"Oh, who are they? My name's Neville." The boy stuck out his hand and Max smiled a little and reached across the table to shake it. _Ah…he's the one she mentioned_.

"Max. Um. I'm suppose to find…well, Luna told me their names…Hermoine Granger…Ron Weasley and Harry Potter." He gave Neville something of a hopeful look.

Neville blinked and shifted. "Well, two of them are around…but Harry hasn't shown up yet…."

Max felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise and, as the girl had hoped in her little book, some strange wizardly sense must have suddenly hit Harry Potter's partners in crime because both of them were looking at him—oh, no, a third, another girl, a red-head, was leaning over too.

He bit back a strange sound. _That's spooky_. He gave them a nod and a slightly strained smile and held up the note a little. "Er. Hi. I was supposed to find you earlier but I couldn't…but I was told to meet up with you and Harry Potter." He was getting slightly suspicious looks. "Okay," he muttered and looked away. "Nevermind."

"Who asked you to meet us?"

He looked back over and watched the Ron got up and strode over.

"Ah. Well. I'm not sure. Do you recognize the handwriting?" He handed the note over to Ron. "I just got it all by owl one day—so I had to hurry up and get what I needed to come. I figured it must have been important or something."

Ron looked at Hermoine. "What do you think, 'Moine?"

"Who?" someone asked.

She didn't seem to hear him but got up to study it too but the puzzled look on their faces didn't clear. "I don't recognize it either. And you don't know where Harry is?"

Ron gave an almost-glare, suspicious. "What's your name—?"

But before he could answer, Dumbledore said his name. "Max—if you would?"

He hadn't noticed all the little eleven-year-olds sitting around. Awkwardly, he got up and, scratching his shaggy brown hair, approached the stool.

"How old are you, Max?"

_ How did he know my name was Max? Well…I guess it's Dumbledore._

"I'm sixteen, sir."

"So, you'll be with the sixth years then. Excellent. Have a seat, please." Dumbledore's eye twinkled, as if he were a little amused.

Max sat and winced when the hat came down.

_Well, well, hello—oh, you're not who's suppose to be here, are you?_

Max's eyes shifted and he…thought back. _No. She got fired because she wanted to be part vampire too._

_Along with all those other things? Ah well. All for the better, from the sounds of it she was going to be a real nuisance._

_How do you know about her, anyway?_

_I'm the Sorting Hat._ It thought at him. _I know everything._

_Oh._

_Now, if you'll let me have a peek. Let's see…bit awkward, lots of courage, excellent mind. Yes, a very agile mind despite how you act._

_…is that a compliment or an insult?_

_Oh, now, now, don't be cross. Well, I think you'd be best suited for…._

"Ravenclaw!" It sang out.

_Hmm, I should have gone to Gryffindor._

_That's what the girl wanted. Unfortunately, we work within certain realms of reality. For some reason those strange girls never seem to go to Hufflepuff._

_Oh._

Then a stern looking older woman was taking off the hat and he stood up. He was greeted with a smattering of applause and some smiles. Luna got up and sat across from him, along with the boy with the rueful smile.

"I'm Terry Boot," said Terry Boot. "Luna said she knew you."

Max blinked and looked at Luna. She was smiling brightly, although it looked as if she was thinking of something else.

"We just met on the train."

"Yeah, she said you were looking for Harry Potter."

"Who isn't?" asked another boy, grinning. "Ever since they proved Harry right, everyone and their brother wants to see him."

Max made a sound of agreement and scratched his hair again. "So…I don't know very much about Hogwarts…I was taught at home. I've heard about the different houses though…"

"Flitwick's Head of our House and he's really cool, so don't worry. That Snape over there switched jobs with the new professor, Slughorn, so now Slughorn is the Potions Master and head of Slytherin House. McGonagall is head of Gryffindor House and…," Terry paused. "It's Sprout, isn't it? Who heads the Hufflepuffs?"

"Yes. It's Sprout." Another girl gave him a little wave. She and her friends giggled.

Max cocked and eyebrow and nodded back a little.

Terry leaned over the table conspiratorially. "Don't be bothered by her. That's Cho Chang. She's smart and all but you know how some girls can be."

"Giggly," said the boy next to him. "Oh. I'm Anthony Goldstein."

Max pointed at Luna. "She doesn't seem very giggly."

"She's in a class of her own."

Luna said, "Having my own class would be interesting."

Now, at this point, a few things were said here and there and then they were all rounded up.

"Careful of the tower door," said Terry, putting his hands on the table and pushing himself up. "It's not like the other Houses. They get passwords. We have to answer a question and it'll try and close on every single person."

"It makes it really annoying when there's a whole lot of us," Anthony added.

Max nodded and got up. Luna seemed to sway a bit and drifted along. Max watched her for a moment before remembering.

Ah!

He pulled out his blue book.

Now, at this point, the girl was suppose to turn to the left and make eyes with one Draco Malfoy ("Another heart, dammit. I need to copy down the details and get rid of this.") who she would apparently know on sight as they were…

Max paled.

…engaged?

_We will be in love at first sight but will also fit perfectly with the Ministry's plan_, the book said, _and it will complicate my matters with Harry._

Max glanced over at the Gryffindor table where Harry and the other two were leaving. _I wonder what he's got to do with it. Why couldn't they have given me some details._ He sighed and accidentally looked over at the Slytherin table and he jumped.

Draco Malfoy was staring at him. It had to be him, naturally, because that was the first thought that came into Max's head.

The second was something along the lines of, _Holy crap! Eugh!_

Max blanched, Draco flashed him a seductive smile and turned away with his cronies. Some girl gave him a nasty look.

Max shuddered. _Ew_.

Unfortunately, as he stood about so long he almost got eaten by the Ravenclaw door. It smacked him just as he ducked inside.

There seemed to be a little confusion in the tower as, apparently there was suppose to be someone new in the girls' wing…but there wasn't…so Max was stuffed in a room by himself in what he supposed was the attic and opened up his trunk.

Er…or what he'd brought with him that he could have sworn was his trunk.

He glared over at the blue book and flipped open the cover and compared some of the writings with what was inside the trunk.

"Who the heck is Good Charlotte?" He threw the shirt to one side and then lifted out a spangly pair of pink leather pants.

He stared.

And stared some more.

He looked at the book. Apparantly he…no, no, no… _she_ was going to be wearing that tomorrow. _Why wouldn't she wear robes?_

"Sorry, not me." He tried to transfigure them. Now, his mom was an accomplished witch and his dad a decent wizard and they'd taught him so he was pretty good at transfiguration…but they didn't turn into anything. Aggravated, he finally opened the window and threw them out.

He was turning away when he heard a yelp and a gurgle. He looked out and yelped himself when he saw Draco Malfoy spinning in circles back towards the ground on a broom, now covered in girl's clothing.

"What the hell was he doing up here?" Max closed the window and latched it

There was a knock on the floor. Max kicked the trunk out of the way and opened it. Terry poked his head up. "What's going on?"

"Some weirdo was flying right up the tower and I hit him with clothes."

Terry burst out laughing. "So it really _is_ Malfoy down there! Why clothes?"

"Well, I opened my trunk…but none of this crap is mine. And I'm certainly not wearing it and for some reason it won't transfigure so I threw it out the window."

Terry pulled himself up and sat on the frame. He pointed. "But it's full."

"AH!" Max went to it, distraught. "But I threw it out the window!"

"Well, it's girls' clothes—bring it down and let the girls have it. It isn't yours. No one has come to claim it. I'll help you."

So Terry Boot helped Max pick up the heavy trunk (which seemed to have gotten heavier as they went down) and set it down in the middle of the common room.

Max scratched his head. "Er…this trunk belong to any of you girls? Maybe you guys who might be from muggle families…? I've never heard of Slipknot…."

He got some blank stares. Those from muggle-land shrugged.

"Okay, er, well, this stuff isn't mine—and it's girls' stuff….so you girls can have it." He nudged it forward with his foot.

It took a moment before the girls of Ravenclaw approached the trunk. Well, some did. Others looked over their new books, some looked haughty, others reluctant. The prefects couldn't find much wrong with this so they had to let it go. Luna somehow managed to sneak in and took out a black case.

He would learn later that she had tied several flashy silver discs together called CDs and hung them like ribbons about her four-poster bed.

"Where are your things?" Luna asked, coming to stand next to him and Terry while the trunk was being perused.

Max shrugged. "Dunno. I packed my stuff…and then I threw that stuff out the window…and then it was back in the trunk again."

"I'll bet it's cursed," muttered a girl, sitting at a small table. "It's refilling with the belongings of some poor dead girl."

"Oh, Henry, don't tell ghost stories, you'll sound like a Gryffindor," Anthony told her, rolling his eyes.

"Henry?" Max looked at her.

"Henrietta!" She snapped, "But," and she suddenly calmed, eyeing him and smiled demurely, "I like to be called Henry."

"Right." Max looked away awkwardly.

The trunk refilled itself three more times before it finally gave up and quit. The girls were chatting about the objects and clothes and the boys looked over them curiously, one commenting on the possibilities for the pink leather on one of the girls. But Max was now left with an empty trunk.

"You have nothing for tomorrow?" Anthony asked.

"Well…no." He didn't really relish the idea of having nothing on under his robe either.

"We'll go down to Hogsmeade," Terry said. "We can tell Flitwick about it and everyone here can prove it."

"Yeah, and we can make a stop at the Three Broomsticks!" Anthony grinned, enthusiastic.

Max nodded and glanced over. Luna had a strange look on her face. She was looking at the wall, not quite glazed or dreamy, as if she were listening but not.

Down on the ground, shoving aside a pair of black and red striped socks, Draco looked up at the high tower.


	2. The Return of the Witch

The next day, Flitwick did approve their travel to Hogsmeade. They were escorted by a huge guy named Hagrid, who Max could only blink at when the man asked his name. In response, the man had smiled and clapped him on the back, which had thrown him right into the ground—or would have, if Terry had not grabbed onto his collar, which nearly choked him anyway.

Then the giant of a man went to the Three Broomsticks and they walked around to a store where he could buy robes.

They being; himself, Terry, Anthony, and lastly, Luna. Terry hadn't minded but Anthony had asked him why he'd invited her. Max had shrugged and said, "She looked bored."

He had just enough money to get a set of robes and clothes and a cloak. "Hope my books don't disappear," he muttered. He scowled at his money pouch, empty but for a few Knuts.

They went into Zonko's, which Max had never been to and he heard all about Ron Weasley's brothers, the twins, Fred and George who had opened a new shop that was threatening to blow Zonko's right out of the water and of their famous departure last year.

When they went outside, Max had to duck. A red square came whistling out at him, screamed to a stop in front of his face and roared:

"HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY PLACE YOU STUPID LITTLE BOY! I'M COMING TO HOGWARTS ANYWAY! AND IT'LL BE MY GODDAMN STORY YOU LITTLE STUPID STREET RAT BASTARD WHORE DUMMY! JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET AHOLD OF MY LITTLE BOOK! AND MY CLOTHES! UGH! THIS IS MY STORY! NOT YOURS YOU DIRT POOR, STUPID STAND-IN! I WILL BE PART-VAMPIRE!"

And the red letter, curled, burst into flame and dropped to the ground.

All four of them stood around it.

Luna broke the silence. "Is that the original?"

Terry and Anthony exchanged looks.

Max stared at it, horrified. "Oh no." He perked. "We need to go back—or I need to get back! I have to hurry!"

"Why? Sounds like a misdirected Howler."

Max backed away from the little charred letter, shaking his head. "No…no…it's to me. Crap. I have to go. Tell Hagrid I'm sorry! Thanks for coming with me!"

He took off.

Half-way to the castle he ducked again, another owl swooping but this letter wasn't red. He tore it open.

_Mister Max Copper,_

As you have taken the place of Miss Ariyaena Elizabeth Madison Lurael Raven, AKA Ari, we at the studio cannot, obviously, engage you, via the Ministry, to Draco Malfoy. Miss Raven's initial duty was to secretly become Harry Potter's body guard but, we're switching you to Hermoine Granger. Watch out for Mister Weasley. We will be keeping you updated on your replacement for Mister Malfoy's engagement. Although, you may end up having to get engaged too.

_Cheerfully yours,_

_--The Studio_

Max flailed with the letter and waved the owl back, jerking a pen from his pocket and scribbled back.

_No! No! No! She sent me a Howler that she's coming anyway! HELP!_

_In Mortal Peril,_

_--Max_

He gave the owl the letter and a Knut and hurried onward to Hogwarts.

He ran into the Great Hall, breathless and almost bumped into fellow Ravenclaw, Lisa Turnip.

"Max! Dumbledore told me to give you this!"

He nodded and took the letter. In it was a small map directing him to Dumbledore's office and one word. _Acid Pops_

Max took off. _Oh no, she's already here! On no! Oh no!_

He took a wrong turn and had to backtrack until he finally came across a gargoyle. "Er. Hi! Uh! Acid pops!"

It moved aside and he bolted up the steps and opened the door.

There she was.

He felt all the color drain from his face.

She was studying her perfect, hot pink fingernails and chattering. "I already know how to apparate. I can do it on the grounds."

Dumbledore was watching her, apparently a little stumped.

"I'm also part Veela, okay? And I have to be a body guard to Harry Potter."

"Miss Raven—"

"Ari, Professor."

Dumbledore was giving her a cool look. "Miss Raven, Harry Potter does not need—"

At that moment, Ari seemed to have suddenly noted Max and she whirled on him. "YOU! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY PLACE! THERE'S GOING TO BE A SPECIAL SORTING JUST FOR ME! YOU'RE IN RAVENCLAW! GROSS! AT LEAST YOU AREN'T IN HUFFLEPUFF BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"

"Ah, Mister Copper," said Dumbledore, folding his fingers serenely and giving a somewhat fixed smile. "Perhaps you could help clear up this situation."

Max shifted but no words would come. He swallowed.

"UGH! YOU NASTY LITTLE FREAK!" Ari sniffed and turned away. "Anyway, Dumbledore. I also turn into a unicorn and will need a mate next month, so preparations need to be made."

"Am I supposed to know about all these strange things, Miss Raven?"

"No. So don't say anything."

She didn't notice the twinkle in his blue eye, nor the slightly incredulous smile on his face.

"Oh yeah," and here she stopped to pulled her long, gorgeous, shimmery black hair with gold streaks into a pony tail, "and the Ministry officials will be stopping by today."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. In fact, they should—"

And there was another knock on the door.

"Come in," Dumbledore said.

An official from the Ministry—a plump man in a tartan suit entered, along with Harry Potter, Hermoine Granger, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, and, for some reason, Luna.

"It seems I am having quite a busy day," Dumbledore said. He stood and walked around his desk.

"Dumbledore," said the man. "I am Evan Lansing and I've come with some serious news. For some reason, I have had to summon all these children. I take it it is because of him?" Lansing nodded at Max.

"And what is your news regarding my students?" Dumbledore asked.

"We've already contacted their families so everything is in order. Miss Ariyaena Elizabeth Madison Lurael Raven is set to be engaged to Draco Malfoy."

Max saw Ari smirk.

"She will be marrying him because of a vague sort of plot point that I don't really know how to explain but the Malfoys seem all right with their only son marrying a half-blood from America. Unfortunately, that left us in a bit of a bind, as only transfer students are under this new rule of transfer students being mysteriously engaged was recently instated for Miss Raven but then we got word of Mister Copper. We had to find another pureblood so we opened the class list, blind-folded the Minister and had him put his finger down and we came to Luna Lovegood."

Max straightened.

Luna blinked and suddenly stared at the man. "Engaged?"

"Your father is very happy, Miss Lovegood. He would like to meet Mister Copper over your next holiday."

Max suddenly felt ill.

Hermoine suddenly spoke up, "This is all quite…er….interesting and everything but I don't see what it has to do with us. Ron and I are prefects, we have to go check on the First years and Harry's Quidditch captain."

Ron shrugged. "Ah, c'mon, 'Moine—I'd like stay and see."

There was a pause before someone said, "Who?"

Harry shook his head. "Professor?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Unless Mister Lansing has something to say, I can't fathom why you were invited. Wait for one of my notes, Harry."

Mister Lansing looked a bit shifty. "Yes, you may go. Miss Lovegood, Mister Malfoy, you please stay."

Max watched miserably as Harry, Hermoine and Ron left the room. Ron saying, "I don't wanna check on those little First years, 'Moine."

Harry's voice came through. "Who? Anyway. Hermoine—thanks for the save. I have to go find Ginny. I recon she'll be trying out for the team."

"Why were we invited to that?"

Once they were gone, Lansing closed the door. "Now, as you are engaged, it's best that you stay away from those who could possibly become significant others. Therefore, for a reason that's more of an excuse, we're going to have each pair dorm together."

Max about choked. "What?!"

Luna seemed to go a little paler.

Malfoy seemed to have warmed up to Ari already and had a hand on her back. She looked smug.

"It won't be as hard for you two," he nodded at Max and Luna, "because you're both in Ravenclaw. We can just put you both in the top of the tower. Has Miss Raven been Sorted?"

Dumbledore had a look on his face that suggested he was losing IQ points and was irritated about it. He went to the Sorting Hat and placed it on Ari's head.

There was a pause.

"Yes, I showed up!" Ari snapped aloud.

"Gryffindor," the hat said glumly.

"Ah, therein, we'll have to put Malfoy and Raven in some exclusive part of the castle just for them."

"You are putting my students in charged situations. They are still teenagers."

"I'm sorry Headmaster, Ministry orders for new transfers."

"And they will enforce this?"

"The Malfoys have already given their word to do so and the Ministry will, of course. Ari has no family and, as I said, Mister Lovegood is thrilled."

"I will accept that. Go. I would like to speak to my students."

Lansing meekly shuffled out.

Dumbledore sat down and watched them for a few moments. "I would like the four of you to be careful about this." He eyed Malfoy and Ari, who looked like they were glued together at the hip. He glanced at Luna and Max, who were standing about six feet apart, not looking at each other, pale. Max looked sick. Luna was just staring at Dumbledore.

"Allow me to speak to each of you privately, Mister Malfoy, you first. The rest of you stand outside the door."

So Ari, looking smug, Max, swallowing awkwardly, and Luna, looking dazed, went into the hall and closed the door.

"Draco is so sexy, isn't he? Ah! I can't wait to share a room with him. And Harry Potter! It's my secret mission to be his bodyguard, that's why that stupid guy didn't say anything. They don't know. Not even he knows. Oh! I don't know what to do! Harry is pretty too!"

She was speaking to Luna but Luna wasn't listening. Ari suddenly softened her look. "I can tell you're in shock, Lucy. I would be if I had to share a room with _him_. He's probably a dirty pervert." She threw Max a nasty look.

"Look, Ari—"

"DON'T TALK LIKE YOU KNOW ME!" She snapped her fingers at him.

Max sighed. "I think I'm going to be sick. Oh." He paused and dug around in his pockets. "Here's your little book. I brought my stuff to Hogwarts, but they changed into your stuff, I think."

She snatched it from him. "WHERE ARE THEY, YOU STUPID IDIOT?"

"Would you stop yelling at me? This isn't my fault."

Ari took a breath and smoothed her hands over her rather overly-developed-for-a-teenage-girl breasts, perfectly shaped and said, with an air of great sincerity, "I'm sorry, Max. I know you're just a stand in. I don't know why they don't just call you back. Once they find out I'm here, they certain won't need _you_."

Max privately agreed. He didn't want to be here and put up with her. He did feel bad for Luna though. She was looking at the floor now.

The door opened and Malfoy strutted out. He gave a smirk at Ari and smoothed his hand along her side as he passed.

Ari went in next, only to storm out moments later and stomp away.

Luna went in. She came out after quite a while. She seemed diminished and small.

"You gonna be okay, Luna?"

She gave him half a glance and started away. "I have to go tell Professor Flitwick of the new arrangements. Apparently there's no getting out of it…"

Max went in last.

"This is something of a mess," Dumbledore told him. "I did not know about this. I'm a bit worried Draco and Ari will make some sort of brash decision considering their personalities and Luna is quite distraught. I am hoping you do not have anything planned for her."

Max quickly shook his head. "No, sir."

"I know this will not be easy, particularly for you and Miss Lovegood—as Mister Malfoy and Ari seem quite taken with each other already and teenagers are some of the most brutal in society. But. Do your best, Mister Copper."

Max swallowed. "Yes, sir."

"Are you going to be sick?"

"Maybe."

"Wait a few moments and then go to Madam Pomfrey. I have sent Miss Lovegood and Ari to her for reasons only they ought to know about."

Max nodded and really didn't want to know anyway. Though, he couldn't help but ask, "Why _were_ Harry Potter and his friends brought here too?"

"My speculations," and here Dumbledore smiled, "is either Harry became naturally curious, as he and Malfoy are not on the best of terms, or he really was called and, if that is the case, I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest."

Max nodded.

"You'd best go up to Ravenclaw tower. It will likely be charmed so both of you can fit."

Max nodded miserably, and turned away.


	3. Strange Spells

**I tried to figure out the formatting of this system…but when I tried to fix things in the editor…nothing worked. So I've gone over spelling and things but nothing changes. I guess that's what I get for my lack of practice on this site. I'm used to a different one. I didn't think anyone would actually pay attention to this—but a person or two seems to be, so I'll try and continue this little parody.**

Terry Boot was waiting inside the common room of Ravenclaw tower when Max entered. He approached Max immediately.

"Hey…what's going on? Luna looked pretty pale when she came in. She wouldn't talk to us."

Max shifted awkwardly. "Uh…um…"

"And then Flitwick came up here and went up further into the top of the tower—where you've been sleeping—"

"It's complicated….," He looked down, feeling more sorry for Luna by the second. Although some sad feelings for himself were starting to creep in. _How am I suppose to tell my parents?_ He turned away from the still-puzzled Terry and awkwardly climbed into the tower.

He took a deep breath outside the door and knocked. He heard a tiny sound inside and very carefully opened the door. Luna was scrunched up on the window-seat. Her things (including her CD ribbons) were lying at her feet.

"I. Uh…you can…uh….I'll sleep on the floor." He looked around the room—which was bigger now but…"Why didn't they just give us another bed?"

Luna shrugged, pulling up a knee and putting her chin on it.

"Ah, well, you can have the bed. I'll—I'll sleep on the floor." His mother had taught him his manners, after all. That and his sense of modesty and self-preservation was telling him not to get too close.

They were quiet. Awkwardly.

And then a bird slammed into the window. Luna jumped, scrambling back. Max took a step forward, took a step back and then hurried forward, opening it and ducking as an owl shot inside. It dropped an envelope at Luna's feet and another on Max's head. It hooted at them, shedding feathers everywhere and shot out again.

Max stepped back again, opening his letter.

_Dear Mister Copper,_

_As we informed you, we may have to go ahead and have you be engaged too—for the sake of the story. Along with being engaged to Miss Luna Lovegood and becoming Hermoine Granger's bodyguard, we also must give you another job._

_Draco Malfoy is, of course, acting a bit strange—being so taken with Miss Ariyaena Elizabeth Madison Lurael Raven so easily. His friends will start to complain but, really, do make sure he stays oblivious that he's acting so oddly._

_The show must go on!_

_Cheerfully yours,_

_The Studio_

"What?!" He stared and read the letter again. "I can't do that!" With a growl, he crumpled the letter and threw it on the floor. "What do I care if Malfoy likes that horrible girl or not!"

He scowled and paced the room, almost forgetting about Luna, until he heard a little sniffle. He glanced over. She was staring at her own letter. She took a little breath and looked at him.

"It's from Daddy." She was biting her lip.

"Um…" He shifted a little but couldn't think of anything to say.

"He can't wait to meet you…" She looked down, shaking a little.

"Um, look…this is a mistake—it'll be corrected. Don't worry…about it…" Obviously, that would be next to impossible but he wasn't sure what else to say….

She said nothing, going back to the window seat.

"Uh, look, Luna…uh…I'll just go back to the common room, okay? I'll sleep there. Not a big deal. It'll be like camping. I like camping." Hurriedly, he grabbed his bag with his books and jumped back downstairs.

He put his bag on the floor and sat in the corner of a couch. "I should never have taken this job." He sighed. Well, that would teach him to get other work, he supposed. His family was in debt…and he had volunteered for this…and just his luck…

He sighed.

The next day was terrible.

Whispers and snickers followed him all day. It was worse for Luna. Neither of them had said a word but Malfoy and Ari had been all too quick to tell everyone about their engagements. Ari had stood up at Gryffindor table and bragged very loudly how steamy it was. She kept at it, until Ron Weasley told her stuff a sock in it.

The worst moment was when Harry Potter and his formidable posse approached him. They weren't angry, exactly, but they weren't pleased either. Especially the red-haired girl, Ginny. He had stepped back into a corner and he had stumbled through the explanations and assured them that he had left her alone and hadn't forced anything on her.

"We've got to figure out a way to get you out of this," Harry told him. "They can't just force you to marry someone because of some ridiculous plot point."

"They didn't even explain it," Ron agreed. "I mean, I guess if that scary girl is happy with Malfoy—"

"He's acting a bit odd about the whole thing," Hermoine put in. "I would have thought he'd be angry."

They all thought quietly on this. Harry perked. "But if she's with _him_ and he's a—"

Ron snapped, "Shut it!" He cut a glance at Max, who looked away as if he didn't understand.

"Anyway," Ginny said, waving a hand, "we have to help Luna."

Max glanced at her. "You all are friends of hers, then? She didn't seem certain when I asked."

"Of course we are," Hermoine said, briskly. "She may believe in ridiculous creatures but—"

"You'll be able to keep an eye on her then?" Max asked. "I don't think she wants to talk to me."

Just then, a girl and two boys crowded into the corner.

"Hey, you, Copper."

Max sighed inwardly and looked over. Ron, Harry, Hermoine and Ginny were all looking at the three new arrivals. With a grumble, they made room for them.

"I'm Pansy Parkinson. What on earth happened to Draco?"

Max shifted awkwardly. "Uh…engagement…"

"Well, I know that…but she's…obnoxious." She glanced at the two boys, Crabbe and Goyle, who nodded too. "Usually Draco wouldn't give a girl like her the time of day…but he's…all over her. It's ghastly. Blaise thinks we need to save him from himself."

Max perked. "That's probably a good idea." _That way I don't have to do it._ "Maybe we could all work together on it?"

The seven of them all stared at him and he shifted under all fourteen eyes.

"Or…or we could work separately." He cleared his throat.

"What are you all doing!?" They all jumped as Ari shoved her way into the group. She stood by Harry, simpering and fluttering her eyelashes while, at the same time, turning on her attitude. "I don't know what you're plotting but you need to be careful! Especially you!" She pointed at Max. "I wouldn't trust you ten feet of Lucy!"

"Luna," Ginny said, narrowing an eye.

"Whatever!" said the awful girl in a business-like tone. "And Harry, you need to be careful too. You never know who could be after you." She got a little close.

He took a step back. "I'm pretty sure I know a general outline of the people who are after me…"

"Yes, but, you never _know_!" She said the last word with great significance, winking and gesturing.

Ron, Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle were all giving her dumbfounded looks. Ginny and Hermoine looked exasperated. Harry looked awkward. "Ah…right," he said. "Well…uh…thanks for your concern…"

"Oh, Harry!" she cooed. "I knew when I heard who you were you would be so strong and handsome--!"

"Isn't that enough?" Ginny said, reminding her that she had an audience.

And then Malfoy appeared from nowhere. For a moment, he looked at his friends and enemies as if he wasn't sure how he had arrived there but Ari waved a hand and latched onto his arm. "You dumb Gryffindors! HAHA! You only wish you were me!"

"What were you doing over here, Ari?"

"Oh, just, telling these clowns how stupid they are!"

Malfoy, again, didn't seem to know for a moment why he was in this conversation but, again, Ari waved a hand and he said, "Oh, well, yeah. Potter ought to know that. Heh."

"I don't think you'd be saying that if you had any idea what you were doing," Harry told him.

"Hey, shut it, Potter. What do you know? Eh? Want to fight?"

"Draco—the teachers are still at the head table!" Pansy said, rather frantically waving a hand in his face.

He slapped it away. "Shut up, Pansy. You're so meddling."

"He doesn't need you!" Ari simpered. "He has me!"

"Why you--!"

Max looked past them and suddenly spotted Luna, who was watching from down the hall. He decided this might be his only chance to escape, so he took it. He ducked out behind Ginny and started down the hall.

He no sooner got ten feet that Luna, looking spooked, turned and fled.

He stopped and sighed. _Sorry, Luna…_

Henry, Lisa Turnip and Anthony all rushed by. Anthony called, "C'mon, Max, almost time for Potions!"

Max looked back. Ari was flouncing her hair and whenever Malfoy seemed to look strangely disoriented, Ari would wave her hand and he would go along with whatever she was doing. Everyone seemed on the verge of exploding from exasperation, or rather fearsome. Malfoy seemed to be trying to pick a fight but then Hermoine stepped up and faced them all down and told them off.

_She's powerful._ He glanced at her robe. _But then…she's a prefect…if she's the best in the class she must be pretty serious about it…_ He sighed _I'm suppose to be her bodyguard? She'll figure me out easily. I'm not an auror._

He turned back, but Anthony and the others were gone. Some Slytherins passed by and shot remarks at him under their breath and a couple Hufflepuff second years giggled.

He sighed again, glancing back into the Great Hall. Dumbledore was watching all of them and he didn't look pleased. "Ah…" He turned and ran down the hall to escape, climbing out a window and jumping to the ground. "I won't be able to study at all…"

_Malfoy's under some spell…or something…_ He trudged out to the Quidditch pitch. _What am I suppose to do?_

A _pop!_ made him jump. He had a hand on his wand but froze.

A mousy-looking woman was standing in front of him. "What are you doing out here?"

"Uh…I…uh…needed to think…" he swallowed. "Who are you?"

"Tonks," said the dreary woman. "You should be in the castle."

"Ah—please—I just—"

"Go on. Now. Security and headmaster requires it. Off you go."

He blinked. "Are you an auror?"

"Yes. Go on."

"Right…sorry…" He turned away, feeling heavy and walking back into the castle. He ran right into Ari, who turned and threw insults at him and stalked away, clinging to Draco.

Harry appeared at his shoulder. "We've got work to do."

Max glanced at him. "…what do you mean?"

He nodded at Malfoy. "I never thought I'd say this…but we have to get him away from her if I'm going to prove that Malfoy is a—"

"—a git," Ron inturupted. He elbowed Harry and muttered to him. "Why don't you be a bit more obvious, eh?"

"Right, sorry," Harry said, giving him a bracing smile.

"Don't you go acting off your rocker too."

"Right, right, let's go."

"Where?" Ginny asked.

"You go and…and keep an eye on Luna," Harry said, looking as if he wasn't certain about sending her away. "We'll go upstairs…" He gave them all a significant look. "…you all know where."

Ginny looked briefly annoyed but then nodded.

"Couldn't we do this after class?" Hermoine asked. "We'll be noted if we're not there. Ron and I are prefects."

"So what—"

"We have to set a good example, _Ron_! And Harry, you're Quidditch captain! What if it gets taken away!"

Harry sighed. Max could see he was obviously a man of action, rules be damned but he nodded. "All right, all right." He looked at Max. "When you're done for the day, come down here. I'll meet you. Then we'll head upstairs."

"Where?"

"To the Room of Requirement."


End file.
